wine and cheap perfume

Today I went to the ear doctor and learned that I have the hearing capacity "of an eighty-year-old man." Not woman, but man. I haven't been hearing so well lately, and it's gotten to the point where I'm either screaming or whispering at all times because I can't hear how loud I'm speaking. Awesome, especially because the doctor also informed me that I would need to go on genital herpes medication--immediately. I was all, "Wait, are you trying to tell me that I have genital herpes in my ear?" He rolled his eyes as if it was the most obvious solution in the world and explained, "No, you don't have genital herpes in your ear. We just treat certain ear infections with the same medication used for genital herpes. And chicken pox."
Today was also my last day working with Ved before he leaves for the rest of the summer. He forced me to hug him before I left, which I hated. He knew it was finally his chance to gage whether or not I'm bone-worthy, so he clung to me like a baby ape and quickly ran his hands up and down my back as many times as he could. I thought, "There you go, Ved. Now you know. I have a perfect body."
Last night, Desi and I ate a ridiculous amount of Mexican food at Benny's and got drunk on bad margaritas. Then we sat on my roof and I got black tar all over the ass of my white pants, which somehow managed to sink through the pants and my underwear, onto my bare ass. I still have black tar all over my ass, and no idea how to get it off. It sucks, actually. I'm thinking nail polish remover. That might work.