wine and cheap perfume

Glenn is a man with a lopsided brow who comes hobbling into the bar every night at five p.m., without fail. He kind of looks like Frankenstein and is one of those unfortunate individuals whose actual hair resembles a toupee. He's very lonely, so initially my heart went out to him, but he's so fucking annoying that I can barely stand the sight of him anymore. He does nothing but complain about the fact that he's forty pounds overweight. It's like, dude, you're 59 years old, you drink nineteen shots of jagermeister a day and your legs are two different lengths. Worry about that, not a minor and very American gut.
Last night he had the good fortune of having two very pretty ladies, and two of my good friends, come in alone and sit next to him at the bar. The first was Jeannie, who had stopped in to have a drink before heading to a movie. He promptly attacked her and started talking her ear off about all the spots in the city where you could find a bloody mary at eight a.m. She looked like the wanted to die, so after about ten minutes she leapt off her bar stool and fled as if she was running from a burning building. About thirty seconds after she left, Chloe came by, and while I was at the other end of the bar serving some asshole a mai tai, he approaced her and began talking. I had to spend a solid ten minutes handling drink orders before I could make my way over to her and save her, and by the time I did, she looked like she was in physical pain. She was stifling a wince of gargantuan proportions, so much so that Nicole took one look at her and just started laughing hysterically. I walked up to her and whispered, "Sorry!" And she glared and me and said, completely deanpan, "Hey Katie, did you know that Glenn's niece gave him a rubber fish that lights up when you squeeze it?"
Glenn took this opportunity to assert that this was, if fact, true, in case I had any doubts.
"I swear to God!" he shreiked. "You just squeeze it and the thing lights up! I swear!"